Out of the Darkness: Newness of Life

Out of the Darkness: New Life

While going through the REBT and cognitive therapy I changed medications. I got off of Ambien and switched to Trazadone to help me sleep. I want to eventually be off of all medications but needed to get off the dangerous ones in the mean time. When dealing with how highly emotional I was, I started on Buspar to help bring down the intensity of my anxiety attacks and to help stabilize me. As someone who was used to drugs being fast acting and “fixing” the problem quickly after taking it, I was not used to long term, pro active medication treatment as an option to help. When i had an anxiety attack I would take a Xanax and get immediate “help” from the drug, but still never learned how to deal with my emotions into my mid twenties. Now I was taking daily medication that I couldn’t tell if it was working or not because I didn’t feel anything when I took it. 

After a few months of being on the new medication, practicing REBT, and actively going through cognitive therapy I slowly realized how things had changed when a few situations occurred in my family.

I came home from a weekend in Baltimore, MD and found my dad passed out next to two lines of cocaine. To my knowledge he was 30 years sober from that. Old me would have emotionally been destroyed. But new me was able to not judge him, understand that he is struggling in life, be disappointed with him, but ultimately just give the situation to God and pray for him. When my brother tried to steal my dads dog a few weeks after, I was able to have a conversation with the both of them separately, not try and fix their problem, but push them to each other and remove myself from the situation.

Old me would have been there the whole time mediating. I feel more free now. I have control of my body, my breathing is steadier in these situations, I am not crying uncontrollably, and I don’t feel drugged. All of my anxiety stemmed from what people did and didn’t do, and now through the combination of REBT, cognitive therapy, understanding my true self from my false self, and on proper medication for a short time to stabilize me while learning how to think… I feel so healthy.

As situations occur I recognize my false self wants to react, but I let my true self come through and respond. With my dad and brother, I am in a much healthier position, not letting the parental inversion or codependency take over, but my mom is now the last frontier to my true self. She has been the biggest recipient to all the parental inversion, codependency, and reason for drug use. She is the last barometer of my growth. The way I respond to her has improved and we are on the way to having my true self present to her in all our interactions. 

I never had any hope of fixing these problems before. I thought I was too damaged, and I had a deep victim mentality because of my situation. I never thought I would be on the other side of this. I could not be more thankful because all of the issues from my childhood were bleeding into my relationship with my fiance’ and causing extreme limitations in my work, business, and day to day life in general.

I have never felt more at peace in my own skin, and felt truer to who I am. 

A big thank you to this precious young woman for sharing her story of transformation.  She is thrilled that the telling of her story will give hope to many others who struggle with similar issues. There is hope!

BH

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