We usually don’t see this at all, but it happens all the time, because we are all broken and have a tendency to just go on in life hoping it will get better. That we will find someone, get married, and not have the same crappy marriage that our parents had and not “do the same things to our kids as they did to us.”
We don’t know that the judgements we have made, even if passive, will come back on us because: we are not allowing the effects of that growing up experience to be healed. I certainly did exactly that. I was blind to the reality of it however. I of course knew I had a bad family environment, but because I just wanted to escape it and be “normal” in my own life, I go looking for someone out of my broken traumatized, unhealed heart, and find an unsuspecting victim… in many cases, another broken person with their own dysfunctional past.
I used to say after moving away from this way of living, that I didn’t have relationships, I just took hostages.
All my “fixing”, “saving”, “rescuing”, all felt like home, so I didn’t see the red flags . It wasn’t the fault of the other, it was me. But in like fashion since we are victimized in our traumatic households, it’s easy to be “victimized” by a significant other when I am the one acting out, and have roped the other into my life. Then marriage, kids, and the patterns continue.
The good news is, there is hope. Once recognized, we can begin the repair and recovery process. Cycles can be reversed, damage healed, forgiveness extended, and new healthy patterns established. God can heal us of the damage and trauma as we engage in a process that brings exposure, forgiveness, releasing of judgements, and therapy to work through and change established patterns, such as codependency, and many others.