The following questions can serve as a guide to determine if your relationship involves codependency:
- Does your sense of purpose involve making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner’s needs?
- Is it difficult to say no when your partner makes demands on your time and energy?
- Do you cover your partner’s problems with drugs, alcohol, or the law?
- Do you constantly worry about others’ opinions of you?
- Do you feel trapped in your relationship?
- Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
The Development of Codependency
At birth, we are intrinsically vulnerable and utterly dependent on our caregivers for food, safety, and regulation. An infant’s attachment and bonding to one or more caregivers is critical for physical and emotional survival. This fundamental attachment makes the infant reliant on the needs and vulnerabilities of the caregiver.
Growing up with an unreliable or unavailable parent means taking on the role of caretaker and/or enabler. A child in this situation puts the parent’s needs first. Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. As a result, its members repress emotions and disregard their own needs to focus on the needs of the unavailable parent(s). When the “parentified” child becomes an adult, he or she repeats the same pattern in adulthood.
Resentment builds when you don’t recognize your own needs and wants. A common behavioral tendency is to overreact or lash out when your partner lets you down. Lacking an internal compass means searching for external sources of validation and control. You might try to control your partner’s behaviors so you can feel OK. You might act self-righteous and bossy, and make unreasonable demands on your partner. And when you realize you cannot control his or her moods or actions you become disappointed, and may slide into a depressed state.
Recovering from Codependency
Treatment for codependency often involves exploration of early childhood issues and their connection to current dysfunctional behavior patterns. Getting in touch with deep-rooted feelings of hurt, loss, and anger will allow you to reconstruct appropriate relationship dynamics.
Counseling is highly recommended as these personality characteristics are ingrained and difficult to change on your own. You’ll know you’re on track when the following traits become part of your personality:
- You nurture your own wants and desires and develop a connection to your inner world. You see yourself as self-reliant, smart, and capable.
- You say goodbye to abusive behavior. Awareness, change, and growth are necessary for you and for your partner to overcome unhealthy relationship habits. Caretaking and enabling behavior is acknowledged and stopped.
- You respond rather than react to your partner—and to others. Setting clear, firm boundaries means that you don’t automatically react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. You tolerate other people’s opinions and do not become defensive when you disagree. You recognize that your reaction is your responsibility. You adopt a healthy skepticism regarding what others say about you (good or bad), and your self-esteem doesn’t rise and fall as a result. You say no, and you accept hearing no.
When you’ve recovered from codependency, you no longer feel compelled to stay in an unhealthy, painful relationship. You know that you are not responsible for anyone’s happiness except for your own, and you can feel comfortable with the decision to walk away.
BH/ Psychology Today Adapted