VULNERABILITY… a 13 letter word. (13 letter word akin to a 4 letter word)
Most of us do not like this word. It’s nemesis… EGO (A 3 letter word)
The thing about vulnerability is that it is not nearly as bad as it’s opposite … Ego. Ego keep you hemmed in behind walls, having to protect yourself, erect a false self, hide, cover up, compete, lie, and lot’s more. The biggest problem is it doesn’t allow you to be you. Your ego is a false representation of who you genuinely are.
In his book, “Posers, Fakers, and Wannabes”, my friend Brennan Manning wrote: “For most of us, the poser first shows up in childhood when we are not loved well, or feel rejected or abandoned, or experience some degree of trauma. “Codependency” is a condition characterized by a loss of genuine identity. To be codependent is to be out of touch with one’s true feelings, needs, and desires. This makes the “poser” a classic codependent, (over depending on others emotional needs, desires, etc. to define them.)
Posers then bury or disguise their true feelings to get what they think they need or want. This makes emotional honesty impossible. Posers are driven by a compulsive desire to “appear” ok… F I NE. They want everyone to admire them, but it’s not important to be truly “known”. The false self counts on outside experiences to deliver inner meaning. Money, power, physical attraction, sexual conquest, achievement, recognition, status, that’s all posers want, and the last thing they need, because a little success encourages illusions of self importance and appears to promise continued good fortune. ( A form of narcissism ).
The Poser IS what he DOES. He attaches importance where there actually is none, and puts glitter on what is least substantial to distract from what is real and true, which he obviously believes to be inadequate, so he covers it up.”
This makes genuine vulnerability, and emotional intimacy, or true community impossible, as it becomes a life of pretense. How do we fix this. Connect with someone who has recognized this in themselves and made moves to change. You may well need professional help in dealing with your broken past, trauma, etc. to begin to uncover the real genuine you, that actually can then bring your unique self, gifts, talents and yes, your brokenness into genuine community. It’s at this point your brokenness becomes your “qualification”, not your perceived “disqualification” that you previously covered over with your false self.
BH/ Adapted: “Posers, Fakers and Wannabes” – Brennan Manning