Unresolved parental trauma will have us unconsciously seek relationships where we can act out the conflicted relationship with the parent in a current relationship. – Dr. Nicole LePera
I find this reality on more instances than not… to varying degrees of severity. Sometimes temperament tendencies will hide it for a while, as in the Supine. The Supine will hide and bury the pain and trauma until it just can’t be hidden any longer, manifesting in breakdown in the current relationship one way or another. Usually after a long time of coping and hoping, hiding, covering up and being F.I.N.E.
Developmental and childhood trauma MUST be addressed. It is impossible to have a lasting, genuine, authentic intimate relationship with unresolved grief and trauma inside. This is why the “second step” in our process in helping people is the step of personal archeology. As uncomfortable and difficult as this is for most people, the results of working this through are worth it. This past week alone I worked through stages of this with eight different people.
Through genuine forgiveness and releasing of judgements, people can get on the pathway to a healthy, genuine and authentic relationship with a spouse, or other person in one’s life. Without it, we are bound to a cycle of repeated dysfunctional behaviors characterized in a multitude of ways. Codependency, anger, paranoia, depression, anxiety, addiction, acting out childhood scripts, to mention only a few.
These “symptoms” of deeper issues born in childhood experience can be handled without this step, but only for a while. Then stronger coping mechanisms will be necessary to keep the cycle of “coping and hoping” going on. Drinking, drugs, spending, pornography, and many other survival techniques will be employed over time but only layer on more baggage that will eventually need to be dealt with genuinely.
This is what we mean by becoming “free to be”, and “free to become”. Healing is possible!