Sex is a tridimensional experience: spirit, soul and body. Anytime you have sex with a person, you bond with them. Dr. Daniel Amen writes in his book, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life:
Whenever a person is sexually involved with another person, neurochemical changes occur in both their brains that encourage limbic, emotional bonding. Limbic bonding is the reason casual sex doesn’t really work for most people on a whole mind and body level. Two people may decide to have sex “just for the fun of it,” yet something is occurring on another level that they might not have decided on at all: Sex is enhancing an emotional and spiritual bond between them whether they want it or not. One person, often the woman, is bound to form an attachment and will be hurt when a casual affair ends. One reason it is usually the woman who is hurt most is that the female limbic system is larger than the male’s.
This phenomenon is what we call “soul ties.” Sex is like gluing two pieces of wood together and the next day, ripping them apart. Of course, wood from the opposite board remains on each board. A piece of your sex partner (the good, bad and ugly) can stay with you (and vice versa) for the rest of your life. You can only imagine what it looks like when you bond with multiple partners.
Unhealthy soul ties are often the ramifications of having partners with whom you create a lifelong bond through a sexual encounter(s), but with whom you only have a short-term relationship. The bond (soul tie) remains long after the relationship is over, leaving both sexual partners longing for wholeness.
3 Reasons Unhealthy Soul Ties Take Place
1. People are misinformed and therefore convinced that sex is strictly a single-dimensional, physical act with no emotional or spiritual connections. Yet after sex, they find themselves mysteriously longing for the person they may not even like.
2. A person, gives him or herself sexually to someone, expecting that the intensely intimate act of intercourse would create a bond that would lead to deeper levels of commitment in their relationship. But soon they discover that their sexual partner was taking advantage of them need for intimacy and used the others vulnerability merely to have sex. Of course, this leads to a person being emotionally and spiritually bonded to somebody they deeply resent.
3. Two people commit to marriage and therefore surmise that the covenant vows are only a formality. So they live together and enjoy a sexual relationship outside of a life-long commitment. But later they decide (for whatever reason) that they don’t want to live in a covenant relationship and eventually break up. They usually don’t realize how deeply they have wounded each other, as their souls are ripped apart, tearing the very fabric of their beings in the separation.
Understand there are hundreds of other reasons why unhealthy soul ties take place, but we are simply trying to give you a few examples.
7 Signs You Have an Unhealthy Soul Tie
1. You are in a physically, emotionally or spiritually abusive relationship, but you “feel” so attached to the other person that you refuse to cut off the connection and set boundaries with them.
2. You have left a relationship (maybe long ago), but you think about the other person obsessively (you can’t get them out of your mind).
3. Whenever you do anything—make a decision, have a conversation with someone and so on—you “feel” like this person is with you or watching you.
4. When you have sex with someone else (hopefully your husband or wife), you can hardly keep yourself from visualizing the person with whom you have a soul tie.
5. You take on the negative traits of the person your soul is tied to and carry their offenses, whether or not you actually agree with them. You are unhealthily emotionally enmeshed, and may find it hard to know yourself outside the relationship.
6. You defend your right to stay in a relationship with the person to whom your soul is tied, even though it is negatively affecting or even destroying you emotionally and spiritually. Codependency is magnified in this area.
7. You have simultaneous experiences or “moods” as the person to whom your soul is tied. This can even include sickness, addictions, behavior patterns and so forth.
“Do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For “the two,” He says, “shall become one flesh” (1 Cor. 6:16). Don’t stumble over the term harlot. The point here is having sex with someone outside the covenant of marriage has the high potential of spiritual, emotional damage that can permeate your entire life; your choices, your beliefs, your well being. Couple this with past unhealed emotional damage and trauma, and you have a highly toxic relationship in the making.
There Is Hope
There is hope if you find yourself in an unhealthy soul tie. You can never fall so far that you can’t be restored. New life is available to you by stopping the behavior, releasing the other and yourself from the bonds, seeing forgiveness from God and the other person in the equation. Forgiveness restores the standard in our lives, and you can live in freedom and hope again. But there still may be lasting emotional damage an hard to break ties that will need ongoing attention to maintain that freedom.
Can We Maintain a Relationship With a Person After breaking a Soul Tie?
The answer is yes. It will be challenging as you will need to rebuild the relationship without the sexual element. We use a purity covenant for example, to help people understand the truth behind why they are not engaging in the sexual aspect of the relationship prior to marriage. As the people involved seek repentance and forgiveness, God is able to restore their minds and hearts, and undo the emotional damage done.
If this is you, you will need help to break the soul tie and move forward in a healthy way based in truth, and find newfound freedom in your relationship.
Kris Vallotton – Bethel / BH /Adapted