I never looked at my life as if there were things to fix or uncover. As a Sanguine Compulsive, I wanted to always live in “happy land”. Unless something was currently bothering me, the issue wasn’t there in my mind. As you can imagine, I was incredibly wrong!
The things in my life that I deemed “normal” and “not that bad” were horrific traumas I had to uncover and uproot if I ever wanted to be able to fully embrace and accept God’s love for me. Coming from a place where I was “looking for love in all the wrong places” as Bill Hoffman would say and feeling as if I was worthless and would never be worthy of pursuit, I met my now husband, Matthew, and thought I would never again feel those feelings or see those internal scripts playing out in my life because I had “found the one”.
I went right on into my marriage thinking that I have found the person that will COMPLETE me. Believing the lie that we are all sold that one day you will meet this perfect human (which we all know doesn’t exist) and we will get married and live happily ever after…and they will be my savior. Man, how wrong I had it. Through the excavation process that I so diligently worked on with Damalie and Bill, I have come to know my one and ONLY savior, Jesus Christ and how he has been protecting me and leading me all my life; unbeknownst to me. I have to come to know my true identity as a daughter of God and where my value comes from and just how valuable I truly am. I am thankful for His grace and mercy every single day.
Man, where do I even start. I was under the impression when first going to EIS three years ago that there was nothing wrong with me. I was fiercely independent and did not feel, in any way, that I needed help or had much to uncover.
I had lost my mom at a young age. Sixteen years old. I felt as though I had mourned her death and I was FINE. Though, what is interesting, is that I was drinking nearly every night, smoking, on anti-depressants, and an atheist. It’s funny how delusional and unaware we can be and not even realize it. Scary, really. Because of the loss of my mom at such a young age, I had come to the conclusion that I had faced a pain so deep that nothing could be worse and I had lost emotion toward anything else. I did not care about anything. I used to take pride in the fact that I felt as though I needed literally nobody.
I remember hanging with my best friend from college and literally telling him that I could very easily move to a desert Island and live there alone for the rest of my life. He was sad about this and felt useless as a friend, and I thought he was being overly sensitive and he had a lot to work through…..I destroyed relationships, dumping groups of friends and moving from one to the other. I left a trail of dead bodies, as they say, behind in all of my relationships, both personal and platonic.
What is so crazy is I would leave a group of friends and be like man, there are SO MANY people out there that I just do not care to be friends with. Thinking it was them… funny, right? I had a ridiculous ego and thought I was the absolute best. Judging people for their situations that I had no experience with, and really being, plainly said: a jerk. Thank God I met Bill, because these same patterns I lived with were being brought into my relationship with Megan. We would get in a fight or an argument and I felt no emotion. I did not care about how she felt or her needs in anyway. It was so bad to the point where her feelings were so much of a hassle for me that I would literally take a nap to not think about it. I thought this was normal!! Delusional!
My first session with Bill I thought would be a breeze and there would be no issues.. In my eyes, Megan was needy (just like the 100’s of other friends and family relationships that I ruined), and I needed no fixing. One of the first things Bill said to me was, “Hey Matt, do you know your issue?” I said “no, please tell me”. I will never forget this. “Matt, you are an egomaniac with sociopathic tendencies and an inferiority complex”. Really, Bill? That’s all? No big deal. Needless to say, I had much to walk through. Much to learn. Tons of excavating that I am still going through. The loss of my mother made me put up a defense mechanism, to “protect”.
This allowed me to turn off emotions and cut people out of my life without caring. This defense mechanism was from unresolved grief from the loss of my Mom that needed to be fixed. Bill Hoffman has literally walked with me through this journey in discovery of my true self. Dying to the ego, overcoming myself and laying my life down for my WIFE. I am happy to say that, though I am still on this journey, I have given up drinking, smoking, and for the most part, selfishness. I care about Megan’s feelings. I care about a lot of people’s feelings! Something I could not say 3 years ago. I can have true deep relationships. I can be vulnerable with people without feeling weak and ashamed.
I have such a better family dynamic, to the point where my family literally yesterday told me they saw something in me that they have never seen; vulnerability. I cried in front of them over something our family went through (never, would I cry in front of anyone in the past not even at my mother’s funeral).
It is crazy to think the man I am today because of EIS and I am so excited to continue onward. I am completely indebted to Bill Hoffman for all that he has done in my life. Megan and I have a thriving Marriage with God at the center and this would not be possible if it were not for EIS.
I am SO grateful to be able to see God do miracles in people lives. As always, even if it takes a while to happen, when people submit and commit to the process, they find victory in every area of their lives. Love you guys!
BH/ Matt & Megan Leeb