Over the years, the more I have worked in helping people, the more I see how toxic many of our relationship experiences are.
- I have found that the majority of people I come across have had significant traumas regarding past relationship experiences.
- A large percentage have deep relationship pain. Some recognize it. Others haven’t made the connection yet.
- Many are relating to others through toxic soul ties that are bonded by addictions. We have become glued to each other by an addiction bondage.
Not only are people struggling with certain bondages and strongholds, they also have deep relational soul ties with people, past and/or present that are keeping them tied to specific areas of bondage.
Examples of Toxic Soul Ties:
In my work, I often have someone come to me who is struggling with a very toxic relationship. But it didn’t start off that way. A man has met Miss Wonderful. But once the relationship became more tied, the deep toxicity that was not seen before starts to rise up. A man who was once level headed for the most part is now losing his bearings because of his tie to this relationship. He can’t think straight. And even when he breaks up with the woman, he is still reeling from the lingering ties that keep him spiritually and emotionally connected to her.
A woman thinks she has met Prince Charming, but after getting close to him and seeing behind his veneer, she realizes he’s a deeply narcissistic man. Yet by the time she realizes it, the clutches of his control, deception and toxicity have wound her up in a spider web of insecurity, fear and low self-worth. She doesn’t know what to do because fear keeps her trapped at every turn. Codependency runs rampant in these types of situations.
Someone is trying to move forward in their work, but they keep hitting roadblocks. Although we all have struggles we have to face when it comes to finding fulfilling and consistent work, this struggle points back to unfinished business regarding a previous boss and an unhealthy workplaces environment at the last job. Some unhealthy ties were developed and some unhealed pain is still lingering. You may even feel that you are being held back by that past workplace. You may carry a pre-judgement in every new situation based on one bad experience.
A woman marries a drug addict. She was not an addict coming into the relationship, but over time, as her husband’s addictions come to the surface, she becomes wrapped into the drama of his lying, denial, self-loathing and needy behavior. She now finds herself losing her sense of well being. Her emotional balance is off kilter and she finds her sense of worth and peace is being pulled down. Once again deep codependency is at the forefront.
A couple becomes happily married, yet as they enter into covenant, they realize they are struggling with sexual intimacy. The past sexual encounters they had are creating some interference. Many times, they can’t seem to connect the dots, but they struggle in truly connecting together in a fulfilling way. Not only previous relationships, but their own sexual activity prior to marriage.
Past abuse ties create a stranglehold of bondage that keeps a person from being able to experience present relationship freedom and safety.
A family leaves a spiritually abusive church and quickly moves into another church, yet they cannot settle at all. In addition, they hear all the sermons and teachings with an unhealthy lens.
A parent does not develop healthy bonds with their child, which is critical for development. There is not a proper equipping, so therefore, leaving father and mother and transitioning into adulthood is not experienced in a healthy way.
Parental Bond: Mothers
Those of you that are parents understand the tie that connects a parent to a child. The bond is meant to be the first bond a person has, which sets the template for how they develop ties in their future.
We see here that our first bond or first tie is developed with your mother, who gave birth to you.
When it comes to addressing your relationship bonds and ties, let us first ask, “What was and is your relationship with your mother like? What kind of mother was she? Did she nurture you? Equip you in how to deal with your feelings? Help you form healthy bonds? Were you released in a healthy way you when you became an adult?”
There is also insight available for those who have major trust issues. The Scriptures speak here about how we actually learn to trust through our mother relationship. If you have trust issues, it is often a clear sign that God needs to heal the mother wounds and lack of nurture that exist in your heart.
Parental Bond: Fathers
I have continually taught the importance of fathers, the father role, how our fathers impact our lives as an important aspect of heart healing and spiritual/emotional heart health. God Himself reveals who He is as a Father, so who father is to you is a very important area of healing.
Without a proper bond with your earthly father, it can open the door to all kind of attachment issues. In addition, it can open the door for anger and deep discouragement.
And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4 (NKJV)
When a father does not live out of his God-given role, it “provokes” things in our children that are unhealthy and not of God.
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. Colossians 3:21 (NKJV)
There is a spiritual war over fathers developing healthy bonds with their children early on. Therefore, deep issues of the heart get “provoked” in them as a result of his absence or passivity.
One of the great struggles that dads have is they can’t seem to develop a strong bond with their children. This is often because a father does not know how to develop that bond early on. Many dads say, “I am not into the toddler stage. I will wait til he or she is older so we can play sports or do things together.” Unfortunately by that time, the child has found themselves tied and bound to other friends and groups to find that sense of belonging.
Toxic Parent-Child Ties
Ungodly soul ties formed between a parent and child can make the child a friend to the parent, often to meet the unmet needs of the parent. Meanwhile, the child is not equipped in love to develop healthy attachments and to leave the home the home in a fruitful way.
Many adult children have dysfunctional ties to their parents. They have never made the transition to become a grown adult, even though they are in adult age.
If you have an ex-anything you likely have some soul ties that need breaking. Abusive, codependent, or enmeshed relationships are also likely sources of soul ties that need to break.
BH/ Adapted Mark DeJesus