Wow!! what an incredible blessing this journey has been the last 10 months! My God, how did I ever think I didn’t need any help! I was in such denial it was scary! I really believed I had dealt with my past, plus what was the point of bringing all that stuff back up. It didn’t make sense to me. I look back now and see I was just trying to avoid having to deal with ALL the hurt and trauma of my past.
If I’m completely honest, I was terrified of the things I would have to remember. I also didn’t want anyone to see my real pain. If people saw my true pain they would judge me, feel sorry for me or worse, think I was weak.
I didn’t want anyone to see me as anything but the strong person I was constantly portraying. So sad! I was a fake even to myself. Meanwhile the hurt little girl inside me was dying to get out! I just didn’t realize she existed yet. The truth was I had a lot of unpacking and hurt to deal with; abandonment issues with my dad, anger, resentment, trust issues from previous relationships, abuse, and my favorite… complete denial I even had an issues. There were mountains of wounds and scars in my heart blocking my genuine self, and view of God at the same time.
I was like; ok I guess I need to do it too. I’m so happy I started! As soon as I had my first session with Bill, I dove right in. I’m like, all right let’s get this over with as quickly as possible! Unfortunately, healing doesn’t work quite like that or that quick. I wish it did. This road of healing has been hard, most of my sessions are filled with a lot of crying to Bill and uncomfortable moments of opening up my heart. Crying and showing emotions in front of people, especially a man was not easy for me to do but I wouldn’t change any of those uncomfortable moments for one minute!
I was emotionally disconnected, always had an attitude and rarely showed my true feelings unless it was being mad. Who wants to be around that person! Worst of all, the real person I was meant to be never came out . A woman with forgiveness in her heart, not hurt and anger. A woman with real genuine connections and relationship with people, not the closed and superficial ones I was having. A woman vulnerable to let love in, not one hiding behind her pain. I’ve had friends and even my sister who I didn’t always have the best relationship with tell me how different and softer I’ve become. She feels comfortable talking to me and even started opening up to me about her own feelings.
The woman that God really wanted me to be was slowing starting to come through with his love and guidance. All of the emotional baggage I was carrying around was SOOO heavy, and once I gave it to God I would feel so much lighter. I would finish my sessions with Bill feeling lighter. What the heck just happened? Bill would tell me that was me letting go of the emotional burden and trauma I had been carrying around.
I can’t thank Bill enough for all his patience, guidance and love he has poured into me. God knew what he was doing when he placed him in my path. I look forward to every single step of this beautiful journey because every step will be amazing, even the good, bad and ugly moments.
BH/ Brenda Mejia