I grew up in a home with an ego-driven, people-pleasing mom and a passive father. My mom is very naturally kind, warm, and beautiful, she is also of the mind that she is always right. I spent a large chunk of my childhood observing her undermine and disrespect my father with both her words and actions. My father on the other hand just wanted to make my mom happy, which led to him never standing up for himself or me or leading our family in the way for which he was designed, and eventually giving up and moving out for a span of time.
Through the work I’ve done with Bill, God has revealed to me what a lethal combination this was for me going into a marriage. Bill often told me that Micah didn’t stand a chance if I hadn’t chosen to befriend my ego and excavate the deepest hurts of my heart, but it took me quite awhile to get in there and start to truly see just how poorly I viewed myself.
I prayed for God to reveal the intricacies of my false-self to me and he has been doing just that. For most of my life I have taken my value from purely extrinsic accolades and achievements. My background is in professional dance and musical theatre. That, combined with the example of my mom, led me to cultivate a need for more and more strokes of my ego. I grew my value completely extrinsically basing it on what I look like and my talent. Mix all of that up with extreme pride and a need to always be right and you get what Bill refers to as an “ego-maniac with an inferiority complex.” That was me to a “T”.
Through the forgiveness journaling and the repenting of judgments I have been able to set myself free of the childhood scripts that I used to allow to define me. I have been able to reframe the way that I view my parents and the unfair expectations I was placing on them, which were leading to resentment. I have been waiting around for my mom and dad to assign me value in a way they aren’t capable of, and that is not their fault. I haven’t been turning to my heavenly father for my value because somewhere inside I have been hoping that eventually it would come from my earthly parents. As I prayed through this journey, God led me to see my parents as their inner children, not in a disrespectful way, but just as a way for me to understand their own brokenness. When I see them this way I no longer expect them to assign me my value and it allows me to view them with no judgment or expectation. I also then have no choice but to turn to God for the value I’ve been seeking from them because it’s so clear they won’t be able to give it to me. Neither of them were assigned their value by their own parents so of course they don’t know how to do that for me.
Repenting of the deep rooted judgments I had towards them has allowed me to stop condemning myself to acting out those same judgements in my own life and marriage. I have been able to step into the knowledge that my value is completely intrinsic and that God has already given me everything I need for godliness. I am NOT the story that my ego is telling me and as I am mastered by God I master my ego more and more. He is continuing to guide me in building the humility and openness to acknowledge that when I judge someone, I am being shown something from within myself that I do not like. The cycle of relying on ego-driven, extrinsic value ends with me.
There are no words of thanks profound enough to express to God, Bill, and EIS how grateful I am for guiding me to step into simply being me, and knowing from the inside out that that me is more than enough.