Dr. Nicole gives us some examples of how we might says things in response to “triggers”… or, things that are said that are our “buttons” that get pushed when someone says something that we are sensitive to due to our brokenness.
One of the by-products of reacting in these scenarios, is that we don’t necessarily take responsibility for our “deflective and protective comebacks, because we feel attacked, or perhaps our insecurities are pricked and we may use sarcasm as an example in retaliation.(Deflection).
But these things are not an excuse for poor behavior, and hurtful, isolating comments are not justified under these circumstances. The only way to effectively respond, (as opposed to reacting), is to take responsibility. But how?
First, you have to do the work. If you don’t, the unhealed broken areas of your heart are bitter, unforgiving, hurt, over-sensitive, etc. These are raw root systems that are easily triggered. One of my favorite reminder sayings is, “I wouldn’t be so offended if I wasn’t so alive.” Meaning, that due to my unhealed areas, i am to “alive” to the offenses of life. If I am not healed emotionally, I will easily shirk responsibility and deflect, because I feel offended or even victimized by the other.
In relationships it’s equally important to do the work as a couple as you do your own individual work. In this way, instead of being triggered, you can each take responsibility and learn your own, and the others triggers becoming sensitized in a healthy way; thus taking responsibility for listening with a different filter, and responding in a healthy way as opposed to an offensive or deflective manner, as demonstrated in the graphic above. Learning the other person’s heart and trusting each other’s love is crucial in stopping the reactionary mechanisms.
The following list includes some of the most common emotional triggers, meaning you react when you feel as though you aren’t getting or will not get one of these needs met.
acceptance respect be liked
be understood be needed be valued
be in control be right be treated fairly
attention comfort freedom
peacefulness balance consistency
order predictability love
safety feel included autonomy
fun new challenges independence
When these basic needs are not met, and also depending on temperament, there will likely be triggers. Learn them, what’s broken in your reactions, and in the other person, and both your needs can begin to be met, instead of perpetually cycling through trigger-reaction cycles.
BH/Contribution: Dr. Nicole LePera