Paranoia vs. Peace

par·a·noi·a

  1. a mental condition characterized by delusions of persecution, unwarranted jealousy, or exaggerated self-importance, typically elaborated into an organized system. It may be an aspect of chronic personality disorder, of drug abuse, or of a serious condition such as schizophrenia in which the person loses touch with reality.

The word paranoia for me, immediately brings up memories of the “good old days” when I used to smoke pot. I used to get so paranoid I would think I was dying because I felt my heart beating inside me in an accentuated way. I would drive to the hospital and sit in the parking lot thinking I should go in because if I didn’t, I would die.

I would look out the window thinking the cops were coming all the time. I drove high all the time and always thought a cop was going to pull me over and lock me up.

But worse that all that was my deep insecurity to where I thought people were always talking about me in a derogatory way, or making fun of me because I was a dork. I was deeply inhibited and paranoid all the time, largely related to my sense of self, who I was, and my picture of that was really bad… clumsy, incapable, ignorant, goofy, immature, you name it.

“As a man thinks in his heart, so he is.”

It took getting sober at the age of 30 to turn the tide. I slowly started to discover who I was, and was able to accept myself as I was, and be at peace with myself, and later on, finding God and being at peace with Him as well.

It still took a while for me to feel like a valid man because I had drank and done drugs for so long, it stunted my growth, but it happened in process.

If you are struggling with paranoia, there are reasons. Don’t just treat the symptoms. I “treated my paranoia” by drinking more to kill the pain, and the result was more paranoia. When I got in a process of self discovery, I was able to start dealing with the roots of my fears and insecurities so I could find peace. You can too. Reach out for help today!

BH

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