Trauma and Abusive Relationships

Many times in my work in counseling, I find people in abusive relationships that they had a vital part in creating. It always takes two, but many times the brokenness, or trauma in one person, coupled with temperament propensities, (a combination of areas of brokenness), create a “neediness” in a person to have someone to “take care of them” or meet needs that were never met growing up.

This can create a searching for a person to fit the bill. The possible broken Supine Melancholy finds a controlling Choleric looking for someone to “rescue”, (control). In the beginning this appears to “meet the broken Supines needs”. But the controller is not necessarily doing it because they care so much about the broken one. It’s because they were looking for someone to control and dominate. When the weakness of the needy one becomes too much and the novelty wears off stroking the ego of the need meeter, they then resent the needy one. The abuse factor just amped up to 80%.

In reality, both people have taken each other hostage to each others brokenness.

Each has helped create the monster they now despise. And cycles increase and continue. Then, if I could just get out of this relationship and find someone better, then I would be ok. Yes… let’s keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

Until each individual begins to enter into a process in which they can begin to take responsibility for what they do and why, they are culpable in relationships. Controllers and volunteer victims will always find each other.

If you don’t know what’s broken in you, you can’t be healed and you will keep searching for someone to “meet the needs of your trauma”, instead of meeting your genuine needs… which it is possible to get in touch with if you will do the work.

My book, The Process, will help you understand this and begin to navigate forward in such a way that you can discover the genuine you, and end the destructive cycling patterns that may be present in multiple areas in your life.


Thanks to Dr. Nicole LePera for her continued insights.

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