What could prepare a person for this? The gas lines were unbearable. The hearings on Watergate were frightening. The Vietnam War draft was saddening. This was life in the 70s. I often would go with my dad in the evening to wait on the lines to fill up our station wagon.It took a lot of gas to fill that tank. He was not happy. Here was my little self in the grips of panic as my dad muttered and shook his head at the state of the world. He was a very intelligent thinker; not much schooling but very insightful. I admired him. I desired to understand this life just as he did. However, his melancholy outlook had a profound effect on my view of the world. Growing up, on every corner, under every rock, there was a crisis; a situation that I was not in a position to solve. I knew then and there I had to muster up whatever energy and engenuity I could to be strong. Little did I realize I would be facing uncertainty my entire life. I would have to shadowbox many many situations where uncertainty lied.
Despite my greatest efforts at controlling, planning and fixing, my utopia never materialized.
I believed that self sufficiency would be my ticket to certainty. So I thought. I spent my energy on not needing to depend on anyone and being prepared materially in case of demise. The only place that this self sufficiency had gotten me was an over-stimulated sympathetic nervous system, physical muscle tension, loneliness and a peace-less existence.
My facade screamed I can, I will, I must while my inner man bellowed insufficiency, weakness, not enough.
What is the remedy for this dichotomy? For me it was coming to realize I needed to find a force greater, with more powerful, more vision and more ability to rely on outside myself. After much searching I decided to give God a try. I came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. This is the second step of the famous 12 step program recovery. Walking this truth out gave me the ability to place my hope outside of people, places and things as a means of security; this included myself. I came to realize I can’t rely on these things but I found out through many years of good counsel, reflection, and trial and error that at the end of the day He can and does and will. Today, I choose to trust Him with every unknown outcome. In this present world of uncertainty, which is nothing new, I hope in what is certain. It’s a daily journey choice.
It works….if you work it.
EIS Counselor: Anita Arrunategui/Images: Canva Pro